[identity profile] gumdroprain.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] tamingthemuse
Title: It's a blessing, really it is!
Fandom: Original
Prompt: 139-bemused
Warnings: It's rather sad and full of complaints.
Rating: PG
Summary: It's this girl trying to talk positively but failing horribly.
AN: If this posted twice, much apologies! I know I pushed post, but it didn't show up so yeah....

I have a real strange blessing. It's kinda of a curse, but why get bogged down by the negative? (It's just so much easier to ignore it all. Makes life much more cheerful).
 
People can't tell when I'm crying, but I know it, deep down my gut, when they're crying. I can look at them and I can see them so strong and so brave, but my stomach twists itself 'round painfully looking at that lie. It's not a bad lie by all means as this is the way they keep on plugging through life and this is how heroes are made, but …. this hurts them.
 
And I know how the saying goes. What don't kill you can only make you stronger. So, I think that applies here. Every little bruise will only make the person stronger so that when the bruise comes knocking again, they can pretend it never happened.
 
Just like how you put a heart back together again. See, when you get a cut, you wash the blood away and puts on a bandage. And, I'm being real childish but I think it's cute when someone kisses it better. It's just such a gentle motion, I can't help but feel better already.
 
Except, it doesn't happen to me when my heart's bruised and hurt. It keeps on pumping blood and I keep on breathing, except it’s painful to keep on living like that. Your heart needs to be healed, but sometimes, they are no good friends and relatives to help you put it back together.
 
It's not their fault, y'know. They just don't see me crying (even when I'm wiping away my tears every two seconds or so and I have to bite my fingers raw to stop crying out in pain). I don't know why, but that's just how it is. It might be because I'm a good liar as I always tell them, it's nothing.
 
It's nothing. It's just me breaking apart at the seams and falling into a jumble of broken dreams.
 
I wonder if the next time I say something (I’m kinda crying and sobbing at the moment, want to help a poor gal out?), if I’ll still be alone. There’s something wrong with me picking up the pieces all by myself without a friend or person to help one out. I can do it by myself, I just want somebody by me, you know?
 
(To hold me close and tell me, it’s going to be alright, I promise you, we’ll survive….)
 
I don’t need this per say, but, I really want it.
 
I really want somebody by my side when I’m taping another bandage on my heart and hoping for the best. I’m scared that someday, when I’m fixing myself up, (all by my lonesome self), I’ll run out of bandages. And I don’t know what to do then.
 
My goodness, I’m such a hypocrite. I told myself that I don’t think about the negative, I refuse to think about the bad stuff, because then I just get so lost in my thoughts and…
 
Yes, I’m not invincible. But, you just think I am because you can’t see me cry. Yeah, I can hold you close and wipe away your tears real gently, while I bite down on my lips (so I can’t let it out), and pull myself together (because I need to). I do it for you and for any stranger down on the street because that’s my blessing and my curse. I can keep on healing every other person while tying myself together so I won’t fall apart.
 
(And it makes me laugh when you say that I look bemused, while I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown). 
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