Prompt 241 - Genuphobia - "Needs More Glitter" (R)

[guardian-erin.livejournal.com]

Title: Needs More Glitter
Rating: R
Fandom: Original nonsense
Claimer: Do I really want to claim this?
Summary: This involves a unicorn and his enormous bottom.





Scruffy P. Wifflebottom was on a closed road investigating the underside of a Mexican overpass when he heard the squeaking of tires and steady whir of an engine.

He turned his thick head to watch what appeared to be an over-sized toy Barbie truck traveling towards him. It was pink, with decals and silver hubcaps that caught the sunlight as they twirled. The piece of crap needed more sparkles.

Of course, in the driver's seat was a colleague he knew very well. Buttercup Britches, from the state. He was brown and white tobiano with a black mane that was always perfectly coiffed. But as nice as that was, he could never gallop with the best, and he knew it.

"What's the case?" Britches asked as he exited his truck and carefully stepped over the body of a dead bear.

"Someone drew an incredibly large penis on the overpass," Scruffy reported. "And it's on the body of a cow. All graffiti of cows must be female."

Britches 'hmm'd and scuffed his hooves on the asphalt. "So am I to understand we're ignoring the double homicide?"

Scruffy scoffed and flipped his majestic pink mane. "Double homicide isn't our division."

"Why are we here, then?" Britches questioned. The bear's body reeked of urine and cheap cotton candy. The other bear he fortunately could not smell.

"Fool! We're here because of the meaty cow!" Scruffy jabbed a hoof up at the overpass. "These bears were obviously the vandals who defaced our city."

"I'm not so sure, Wifflebottom. There are no spray cans, and these bears have been shot. Repeatedly."

"You're greener than I thought," Scruffy said, clicking his teeth in shame. "Their deaths were accidental. Officially I'd declare the cause as: Bear Stupidity. It's been declared."

"Explain yourself," Britches said, astonished.

"I'll say it slowly so you can follow along. Bears are stupid animals who will eat anything. These penis artists were violating the Bovine Penis Depiction Law of 1863 when they decided to snack on their paint cans. The cans then exploded in their bellies, leaving exit wounds that a foolish horse such as yourself might mistake for bullet holes."

"I don't know why I didn't think of that."

"It could have happened to anyone. Except a unicorn. We're too sharp for that."

"Will the autopsy report confirm your theory?" Britches wondered.

"There won't be an autopsy report!"

"Why not?"

"Because fuck bears. There's no need to investigate this further."

"You're amazingly racist, Scruffy."

"Just 'amazing' will do. Now we have to set these bodies on fire. Reach into my bottom and retrieve a can of gasoline and box of matches, will you?"

"Excuse me?"

"My bottom." Scruffy turned so his hindquarters were presented to Britches, and he shook his marvelously obese body so that his bottom was all quivering like jello. "I have gasoline to burn the bodies. The matches may be harder to find."

Buttercup Britches felt ill. "In your ass?"

"Ha ha ha ha!" Scruffy shook with a hearty laugh. "Unlike horses, unicorns are magical. We don't poop, we only fart glitter, so we can use our lovely round bottoms to hold things we need."

"And you fit a gasoline can inside of your anus?"

"HAW! I can fit a minivan in my bottom, along with a fire extinguisher, a cell phone, a cake, and a whale's fist. That was an exciting baby shower. Come on, now. I have a 9 foot sub with my name on it at home."

Buttercup Britches hesitatingly reached into Scruffy's soft pink backside. It was surprisingly warm and nice to the touch. He immediately found the gas can, but took a moment to find the handle to pull it out. The can sparkled when it was removed. He reached in again, feeling around for the matches. He felt a spatula instead, and the solid door of something the size of a refrigerator. Unicorns were magical indeed. A tiny fart slipped and glitter puffed out into the air. Buttercup found the matches and pulled them out.

"Here you are," Buttercup said.

"Oh no, you have to do it," Scruffy said. "You'll have to kneel down to light them and I have a phobia of kneeling."

"You can just drop the match instead- -"

"PHOBIA! SO FRIGHTENING. SO. FRIGHTENING."

Britches grumbled and went to the bodies, dousing them in gasoline. When both were soaked, he struck a match for each and set them ablaze.

Britches returned to Scruffy, who was watching the bears burn with a strange look of pure satisfaction in his eyes. "What about the overpass? I don't suppose you have paint supplies in your ass as well."

"BLAM!" Scruffy yelled, and a rainbow bolt fired from his horn and blew up the overpass.

"What?!" Buttercup yelled over the noise of falling debris crashing onto the street. "You just destroyed the overpass!"

"I think you and I both saw those bears destroy the overpass," Scruffy said, with a wink. "Lucky that I was able to fight them off and then they set themselves on fire."

"You're crazy," Buttercup said. "We've broken the law, haven't we."

"BLAM!" Scruffy shouted, and a rainbow bolt exploded Buttercup into bits of horse paste.

"Finally," Scruffy cried out to the empty street. "We can finally be together, baby." He approached Buttercup's pink Barbie truck. It was gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. Too good for that bucktoothed horse. But not completed gorgeous.

"NEEDS MORE GLITTERRRR!" Scruffy yelled, and the unicorn's magical squeal brought forth a shower of colorful sparkles that stuck to the jeep until it had more glitter on it than Ke$ha's vagina.

Finally he had the bitchingest ride of his life. His foray into the life of a detective had gone excellently. Now to become the world's greatest prostitute.