Prompt #243 - Rhinoceros- Heartfelt- Tekia - original

[tekia.livejournal.com]

Title: Heartfelt
Fandom: Original
Prompt: Rhinoceros
Warnings: female/female relationship
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Before this, but after this. Confessions are always hard, and those that are heartfelt are the hardest.


The kiss surprised me.
Maybe it shouldn’t have, but people had always said I was oblivious to the advances of others. I had always thought that it wasn’t me, but that nobody was ever interested in me. Most of the time, that didn’t bother me at all. It was only on the rare occurrences when I was feeling down and particularly lonesome that I wished that there was something there, where there wasn’t.
Maybe I am blind, I thought as she grasped my hand loosely in hers and pressed her soft lips to mine. I froze upon the first touch, my eyes wide and my heart pounding heavily in my ears. Her eyes were closed and I missed seeing the green.
I couldn’t react, my whole self frozen in fear. I cold sweat beaded my skin and I watched as a small frown brought her fine brows together as I failed to react.
She pulled away and opened her eyes. Mine widened as the look of hesitation in the green depths. There was a fear there. A fear that I had placed there.
Quickly, I leaned forward and caught her lips. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to hers and felt her smile. Her grasp on my hands loosened and I felt one of her arms slide around my shoulders, tugging me closer. I easily slipped into her embrace, enjoying the feeling of arms around me.
So seldom did someone touch me, when they did, it always left me feeling as if the walls I had built over my heart and soul were crumbling. I did crave the kind touch of another, the warm embrace. Trembling, I gently touched my fingers to her face, touching her jaw line as she tilted her head to one side, deepening the kiss. I felt the soft press of her tongue on my lips and her palm cradled my head.
I hesitated only a moment before I opened to her and let her in.
It was odd, feeling someone else’s tongue in my mouth. She was skilled, drawing a small moan from me, and making me shiver.
I felt tears in my eyes, and suddenly I couldn’t do this anymore.
I pulled away, eyes open as I stared at her. Tears were spilling over and making hot trails down my cheeks. Her eyes popped open and that fear was back. I covered my face with my hands and couldn’t hold back a sob of contrition.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
I felt her strong grip back on my shoulder and she pulled my hands from my face. I bowed my head, sure that my face look horrible. I turned so very red and blotchy with my tears that I was sure that I looked like a rhinoceros with a very red horn.
“What’s the matter, love?” I hated the worry in her voice. I did this to her. “Did I move too quickly? I thought…”
“No!” I whipped around and framed her face with my hands. “It’s not you. It could never be you.” I pressed my face to the apex of her shoulder and neck and sobbed. “It could never be you. You’re perfect and amazing and everything.”
Her arms slid around me slowly, then hugged me close. “Tell me, then. Tell me what’s wrong.”
I shuddered a whole body shudder, then forced myself to pull away and look at her face. That wrinkle was back between her fine brows and her green eyes filled with worry. I sat back and touched a finger to the skin between her brows.
She was beautiful, I thought. Her skin was flawless save for a scar on her chin. Her hair was short and framed her face perfectly. She was everything that was perfect.
When I didn’t speak right away, she took a deep breath and let her arms drop. “Was I mistaken? I thought…”
“No,” then I had to stop. “No,” I said with much less force. “I do like you, perhaps even love you.” I pressed the heel of my palm to my hot brow and found that I couldn’t look at her. “No, I’m sure that I love you. But I can’t.”
She gave an odd sort of laugh. “I don’t understand.”
“I can’t do this.”
“This?”
My hand dropped heavily into my lap and one heavy tear followed it, splashing on my thumb. I looked up at her, at her dark green eyes. I looked at her face and saw everything that was beautiful in the world inside her. “I can’t hurt you,” I finally said.
She caught my hand and pressed it to her face. Her eyes closed a moment, as if she enjoyed merely the feel of my hand pressed to her skin. Her eyes opened and she waited.
I licked my lips and broke eye contact. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I know I will.”
She ducked her head so she could once again capture my gaze. “You said you love me. I love you too, so how will that hurt?”
I swallowed my pride, my fear, and said, “I-I’m not…” My mouth was dry and I didn’t know the words to say. “I’m not a lesbian,” I finally said in a rush, my eyes tightly closed.
I felt her stiffen beside me and the hand holding mine to her cheek dropped, but she never let go. After a moment, “You said you love me.”
I nodded, still unable to look at her.
“A friend? Platonic love?” There was a bite to her words.
I reversed our clasped hands and brought her hand to my lips. “You are my one and only,” I confessed. “I will love you forever, but I can’t do that to you.”
She pulled away and put her hands on my shoulders. I felt the tension in her grasp and thought that she wanted to shake me. I looked at her and saw that fear, the pain I never wanted to cause her.
I realized then that I was playing with her emotions in a way I never wanted to. My eyes widened and I felt my heart freeze in my chest, making my breath short. “I’m asexual. I’m not gay, and I’m not straight. I’m nowhere in between.” I reached up and removed her hands from my shoulders, this time unable to break eye contact. I love you, but the thought of anybody touching me intimately scares me and makes me feel sick. I can’t do that to you.”
She sat back and stared at me a long moment. Fresh tears filled my eyes and fell down my face, and finally, I had to look away. I felt a headache coming on, as I always did when I cried. I rubbed my fingers over the aching spot and cleared my throat.
I’ve never told anybody how I identified myself. I suffered through mocking from my family for not having a relationship through out my whole life, and I suffered watching everybody around me find that which was beyond me.
I couldn’t physically love anybody, so who could love me?
Carefully, on wobbly legs, I stood and walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I drank heavily, as I felt that I hadn’t had water in years and was dying of thirst. I refilled the glass and drank half before I finally sat it down on the edge of the sink and stared out the window.
It was still day, and that was odd to me. With so much that had happened in such a short time, I felt that a lifetime had passed.
I heard her enter the kitchen and resolutely kept my eyes on the window and the scene beyond. She came right up behind me and pressed her forehead to my shoulder.
“I love you,” she said and I flinched. Her arms came around my waist then and she hugged me close. “It doesn’t matter that we can’t be intimate, just so long as I know you love me and I can hold you like this.” Her thumb was rubbing up and down my side and I was trembling with so much emotion. “Just as long as I am your one and only, I’ll want this. I’ll be happy with what you give me and I’ll be satisfied.”
She pulled away to make me face her and I looked up to see a soft smile on her lips. “I’ll take all you have to give, and not ask for any more than you’re willing to give.” She brought my hand to her lips and pressed a kiss to my knuckles. “I love you.”