He Made Me

[tigerstriped86.livejournal.com]

Title: He Made Me
Author: tigerstriped86
Fandom: Original
Rating: PG-13 to M (nothing graphic, but inference and subtext)

Prompt: 106 Ravish
Disclaimer: This is a non-fiction piece merging together the current and far past versions of myself.  Any other person who's gone through all this?  Well, I feel for you.  But this is my life too.  My muse usually knows what she's talking about when she suggests something like this.  The song is "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge.

 

Whatever I am, he made me that way.

Never knew I could feel like this

Like I'd never seen the sky before

Once upon a time, I was naive and full of hope. But now, as I dream, I can see how far I've come from that. It was high school when it all began to fall apart and it wasn't until college and even now that I could begin to build myself again. It's been a hard and long process.

Want to forage inside your kiss

Every day I love you more and more

I remember the first time I saw Moulin Rouge. I was still living in Las Vegas and I thought it was the best movie I'd ever seen. I had been raised on glamorous films like Sound of Music and King and I. I could see the honor, the homage, to them and also something fresh in it. Needless to say, I saw it three times in a month span in the theater and bought the soundtrack.

Listen to my heart, can't you hear it sing

Telling me to give you everything

And I remember this girl named Kitty. She was attractive and at the high school studying to be a nurse. She had a genuine caring spirit and a great laugh with an even bigger smile. She and I got along very well as friends and I guess I found myself falling in love with her. So for those who say I never loved a woman; they'd be very wrong.

Seasons may change, winter to spring

But I love you until the end of time

During my nights, I always liked to replay this song to myself. “Come What May” was my impossible anthem. I believed in love and the power it held over me, over others. I would close my eyes and drift off. Her steps toward the poorly-decorated cafeteria. My voice on the little walkway. The lights dimmed. And then a final kiss, just like something out of heaven.

Come what may

Come what may

I will love you

Until my dying day

The car horn sounds. It's been at least five years since I've seen Kitty and two years since I've been in love with any woman. I'm gay now. It's just easier to explain it without going into the lineage of my bisexuality.

“Watch out for the pedicabs! Move to the left!” Don's arm moves near the window, as if directing the car. I blearily look over at Tim, who had most definitely been trying to avoid the people making their money driving bikes with little cabs on the back.

“You only get a hundred points for them.” Anthony pipes in from next to Don, squished in the middle with Connie. “A thousand if they have people riding with them.”

“I say just run them all over.” I mutter grumpily from my sleep. They're mostly tourists anyways. And it's not like we didn't have enough people at the festival this weekend. I should know. I served quite a few of them draft beers. I turn to look at Anthony, which is unnecessary considering I can see his reflection in my half-rolled window. “You only give a hundred points for pedicab drivers? That's pretty cheap man. I at least give two hundred for skateboarders.”

I had meant to say bicyclists and was about to take it back when I almost see him bare his teeth. “Watch it.”

“I don't know what you just said, but you're in trouble.” Connie's voice chimes in with glee. A small cruel smirk passes my lips.

“That's me you're talking about. You'd better start giving more points cause a skateboarder will get up and kick your ass.”

“Some of them.” I said it with an air of knowing what I'm talking about. Which in some ways I do and others I don't. But it was a small victory for me. A hard fought and bitter victory but I had finally gotten under Anthony's skin. It's really the only way to get a reaction from him anymore. Hitting his vanity is kind of fun too.

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace

Partially, I blame myself. He only sees me as his mentee or probably this little irritating thing under his skin. He doesn't feel much affection for me, but needs me because he knows all he has to do is ask and I'll volunteer to do anything for him. Of course, I don't know. Sometimes I don't give enough people credit. He'd be my mentor if he thought I would listen. I listen, he just doesn't know it.

Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste

It all revolves around you

But now I find myself clouded by my own spite and the jaded realities of adulthood. Somewhere between the two I missed a step and now my life is filled with men like Anthony. They're turning me dark and away from who I was. Or they might be making me into who I always was supposed to be. All I know is I was ravished by Tim. He wanted it and I didn't stop him. I had to know, had to feel. He's as close as I've ever truly been to Anthony. That, and this car ride, where his reflection is right there. His sarcastic smirk outlined by the invisible touch of my calloused fingers and sorrowed eyes.

And there's no mountain too high, no river too wide

Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side

I don't think I love him either. Truth be told, he's not that handsome or clever. I think he's both and I've told him, but he's probably really not either. But seeing him that close to Don and knowing I'll never be held like that by him hurts me. Not that I deserve it. I'm sure I deserve the pain though. I can imagine saying something like that to him and then he would ask why. As if he didn't know what he does to me.

Storm clouds may gather and storms may collide

But I love you until the end of time

Truth is, I'm becoming a cold bastard. Most days I'm sick of the way my dad is ravaged by age and obesity. The way my co-workers are ravaged by the pop culture industry and its negativity towards things of truth, beauty, and honesty. I can feel it inside of me each day as I lean on him more and more or even try and disentangle myself from it. But I can't. It's part of who I am. Anthony and Bobby are part of the people who entrap me and I can't run from them because I don't desire to. How far I've fallen down the rabbit hole. How dark it is in this place.

Come what may

Come what may

I will love you

Until my dying day

Comments

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

*hugs* So many emotions, so much loss.
This piece conjures feelings both bleak and sorrowful, but also somehow there is a touch, a hint, of something more hopeful, in spite of the last line. I'm not sure what it is, maybe just the strength of the human spirit, but it's there.

[tigerstriped86.livejournal.com]

Awww...thanks for the hugs. I'm glad you like the piece (well, I hope using a word like conjures means you like it!). And yes, I would like to think there's a bit of the strength of spirit in there.

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

(well, I hope using a word like conjures means you like it!)
You can be sure of it.