![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
tekia.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
tamingthemuseTitle: The Walk
Fandom: original
Prompt: Dream World
Warnings: I was depressed while writing this, so be warned. Thoughts of suicide.
Rating: PG13
Summary: I walk and fight against depression at how my life is.
I walked the breath of the town today. There was a cool breeze the whole way, mussing my hair and cooling my heated cheeks. My shoes hurt, but I didn’t mind. Punishment? Perhaps.
I saw three places that would make perfect for finishing it all. As I walked, talking to myself, distracting myself from my living hell, I found those three places and pictured it all in my head.
I was afraid of pain. I lived with it before, and I do now, but I can’t inflict it on myself. I’m a coward.
The first was on the old green bridge, over a ravine. It was beautiful and I could see myself climbing over the railing and letting go. With all those trees and rocks, death would be quick, wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t it?
My brother used to climb under that bridge, and for a moment I was tempted to try it myself. I felt my heart speed up as I saw myself climbing over, putting one foot here, another there, slipping, reaching for that cable. Maybe I would catch it and hurt my hand, but live. Maybe I wouldn’t.
The second was over the interstate on an overpass. I used to climb the fence all the time, playing in the grass beyond, but here, there was nothing to keep me from falling right down into the concrete. If there were cars, I would be dead in an instant, right?
Why do jumpers remove their glasses when they jump? Would I? Maybe it was because, with the wind blowing in your face, the glasses would bother you, hurt your eyes. But you’re trying to kill yourself, the utmost punishment, so what would that matter? I think if I jumped, I would fall backwards, let my glasses stay on, prove them wrong. I pictured it and saw myself removing my glasses for the fall. I wonder why.
I used to live around here, with my mother and brother.
When the other brother was alive. Tears fill my eyes and I can’t hold back a sob. I had been crying off and on throughout this whole walk and I hurt. My throat was closing and my nose was running.
The third place that caught my eye, was over the bluff, looking out at the river. I paused here and leaned against the old iron rail, captivated by the sight of that muddy water.
The drop was riled with trees, shrubs, and rocks. At the bottom, the marina looked old and desolate. There was a line of white in the river that held my attention for a moment before I realized that it was the tide turning. The wind was sharper here and I dreamed I was happy.
I was alone, but not lonely. I dreamed that I was happy, and it was bittersweet.
I’ve never been happy, not as an adult.
That dream world never was, but it brought tears to my eyes and a longing to my heart. I stifled a sob and turned away, hating myself for my lack of strength. He did it, why couldn’t I?
Did I wish this was a dream? Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I want this to last forever, only for me. I don’t miss struggling for money to keep on living. I don’t miss life messing up every chance it got.
I don’t think I’m happy now, but I wasn’t happy then, either.
Nothing seems to matter to me anymore.
Fandom: original
Prompt: Dream World
Warnings: I was depressed while writing this, so be warned. Thoughts of suicide.
Rating: PG13
Summary: I walk and fight against depression at how my life is.
I walked the breath of the town today. There was a cool breeze the whole way, mussing my hair and cooling my heated cheeks. My shoes hurt, but I didn’t mind. Punishment? Perhaps.
I saw three places that would make perfect for finishing it all. As I walked, talking to myself, distracting myself from my living hell, I found those three places and pictured it all in my head.
I was afraid of pain. I lived with it before, and I do now, but I can’t inflict it on myself. I’m a coward.
The first was on the old green bridge, over a ravine. It was beautiful and I could see myself climbing over the railing and letting go. With all those trees and rocks, death would be quick, wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t it?
My brother used to climb under that bridge, and for a moment I was tempted to try it myself. I felt my heart speed up as I saw myself climbing over, putting one foot here, another there, slipping, reaching for that cable. Maybe I would catch it and hurt my hand, but live. Maybe I wouldn’t.
The second was over the interstate on an overpass. I used to climb the fence all the time, playing in the grass beyond, but here, there was nothing to keep me from falling right down into the concrete. If there were cars, I would be dead in an instant, right?
Why do jumpers remove their glasses when they jump? Would I? Maybe it was because, with the wind blowing in your face, the glasses would bother you, hurt your eyes. But you’re trying to kill yourself, the utmost punishment, so what would that matter? I think if I jumped, I would fall backwards, let my glasses stay on, prove them wrong. I pictured it and saw myself removing my glasses for the fall. I wonder why.
I used to live around here, with my mother and brother.
When the other brother was alive. Tears fill my eyes and I can’t hold back a sob. I had been crying off and on throughout this whole walk and I hurt. My throat was closing and my nose was running.
The third place that caught my eye, was over the bluff, looking out at the river. I paused here and leaned against the old iron rail, captivated by the sight of that muddy water.
The drop was riled with trees, shrubs, and rocks. At the bottom, the marina looked old and desolate. There was a line of white in the river that held my attention for a moment before I realized that it was the tide turning. The wind was sharper here and I dreamed I was happy.
I was alone, but not lonely. I dreamed that I was happy, and it was bittersweet.
I’ve never been happy, not as an adult.
That dream world never was, but it brought tears to my eyes and a longing to my heart. I stifled a sob and turned away, hating myself for my lack of strength. He did it, why couldn’t I?
Did I wish this was a dream? Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I want this to last forever, only for me. I don’t miss struggling for money to keep on living. I don’t miss life messing up every chance it got.
I don’t think I’m happy now, but I wasn’t happy then, either.
Nothing seems to matter to me anymore.
