Excellent first draft. You had a good idea and you got your point across.
One thing you might change, the diary entry itself is longer than the whole rest of the story. If I were you I'd shorten it a little bit and add more events and details to beginning, anything to show reasons why this one little girl's last message, showing such innocence and sincerity, would affect these two men so much, when they must see so many children suffer so much every day.
Very nitpicky thing here, but, when you say "plague," you're talking about the black plague, right? I don't think they used a currency called dollars in Medieval Europe. I could be wrong, though.
And I know that the whole diary entry is a diary entry, but with so many parentheses and those excess exclamation points and those lists at the beginning, it looks like something that would be written on Livejournal. I mean, I know this IS Livejournal, but the point is not to sound like you are, you know? Especially with this setting; people in Medieval Europe did not write like that.
Iif you're not talking the Black plague in old Europe, disregard the last two comments, but put in some kind of hint to show that that's not what you're talking about, because with most people, "the plague" would automatically lead to "the black plague."
Anyway, I look forward to more of your writing! In fact, I'm gonna go read some... right now!
In which she plays teacher and deserves to be smacked upside the head.
One thing you might change, the diary entry itself is longer than the whole rest of the story. If I were you I'd shorten it a little bit and add more events and details to beginning, anything to show reasons why this one little girl's last message, showing such innocence and sincerity, would affect these two men so much, when they must see so many children suffer so much every day.
Very nitpicky thing here, but, when you say "plague," you're talking about the black plague, right? I don't think they used a currency called dollars in Medieval Europe. I could be wrong, though.
And I know that the whole diary entry is a diary entry, but with so many parentheses and those excess exclamation points and those lists at the beginning, it looks like something that would be written on Livejournal. I mean, I know this IS Livejournal, but the point is not to sound like you are, you know? Especially with this setting; people in Medieval Europe did not write like that.
Iif you're not talking the Black plague in old Europe, disregard the last two comments, but put in some kind of hint to show that that's not what you're talking about, because with most people, "the plague" would automatically lead to "the black plague."
Anyway, I look forward to more of your writing! In fact, I'm gonna go read some... right now!