Prompt 188 - Alkaline - Soap - carlosiscute - Left 4 Dead 2

[carlosiscute.livejournal.com]

Title: Soap
Fandom: Left 4 Dead 2
Prompt: 188 Alkaline
Warnings: Uhhh, puke?
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Keith eats soap. He's also very drunk.
AN: THIS IS COMPLETE AND UTTER NONSENSE. WITH A SIDE OF RIDICULOUS. BLAME guiltyreasons 

 

I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith had to get his stomach pumped? Yeah, we were just hangin’ out and drinkin’ and he was pretty smashed and he had, like, done somethin’ to Dave earlier so Dave was all pissed at him. So Keith was really drunk, right? And Dave convinced him that soap was mostly made of pig fat. Like bacon. And, man, Keith loves bacon.  Anyways, we walk down to the Grab-n-Go a little ways from Keith’s place, ‘cause that’s where we all were, and Dave buys, like six bars of soap. This ain’t no joke, he really did. He probably still has the receipt too.

 

So we get back to the house and Keith is goin’ on about how excited he was or some shit like that. I couldn’t really tell on account of the fact that he was slurrin’ his words a lot. Dave cuts up the first soap bar into little bits ‘cause even though he’s real pissed at Keith he’s still a nice guy. Sometimes. But whatever, man, Keith starts eating pieces of the soap with his beer and people are standin’ around cheerin’ him on.  He only uses one beer to wash the first bar down and he’s grinnin’ like a fool by the time he’s done.

 

Some chick opens him another beer and Dave starts givin’ him the second bar. And, oh man, he downs that one piece by piece even faster than the first one! It was pretty awesome and more than a little crazy. He still grinnin’ and looks fine at this point so Dave gives him the third bar and whatever her name was gives him another beer. And damn if he don’t look proud of himself for this shit!

 

He tears through the fourth one like it’s nothing. Around the fifth one though, that’s when it starts to go bad.  He gets, like, halfway through it and starts lookin’ kinda sick, but he says he’s fine and keeps goin’. I’m tellin’ you though, he was not lookin’ good when he finished. I think Dave was startin’ to feel bad about the whole thing ‘cause he tried to get Keith to stop, only Keith is way passed drunk and he’s pretty damn determined to finish stuff sober, and even more determined when drunk. So Dave looks really worried when he gives Keith the sixth bar of soap. Six, man, he actually made it to six! And, well shit, he actually finishes it too.

 

Okay, I gotta warn you; this next part is a little gross. You should probably not listen if you’ve got a weak stomach or somethin’. Although you probably wouldn’t be listenin’ still if you got sick easily. Movin’ on though, Keith gets this look on his face like someone is twistin’ his insides and he starts knockin’ people over to get to the bathroom. Oh man, when he gets there he starts pukin’, like, everythin’ back up. It was nasty, let me tell you. Anyways, Dave is really freaked out and ramblin’ on about how we gotta get him to a hospital and get him looked at. After Keith ran into the bathroom most of the other folks left so it wasn’t hard to get Keith through the house and into my truck. I grabbed him a bucket too, ‘cause he may be my best friend, but nobody pukes in my truck.

 

Dave is screamin’ at me to drive faster the whole damn way to the hospital even though I was already breakin’, like, three laws. We made it there without any trouble though. Well, other than Keith bein’ sick the entire way. Turns out them doctors will help you out really quick if they think you’re gonna puke all over their shiny clean waitin’ room.  Dave and I got to sit out there and wait for him ‘cause only family is allowed in, which is total shit if you ask me. They kept him for the rest of the night too so we had to sleep out there. And those chairs are seriously uncomfortable.

 

Keith turned out to be okay, so don’t worry. He just had a sore throat for a few days and now he won’t eat anythin’ Dave gives him, but it’s all cool.