Demons I Get (Prompt #35)

[meredevachon]

Title: Demons I Get
Author: meredevachon
Fandom: Original
Characters: Crazy Narrator Bitch
tamingthemuse Prompt #35: Bouncy Balls
Rating: R for language (frequent use of the f-word in particular)
Word Count: 661
Disclaimer: I really wish I could disclaim ownership of/responsibility for this narrator. But she seems to have taken up residence in some part of my brain. So I guess you could say that she owns me as much (if not more… she would definitely say ‘more’) as I own her.
Beta: Many thanks to swweeks for last-minute flail-reduction and beta. I couldn’t do this week after week without her help, support, and encouragement.
A/N #1: Some of you may be familiar with this narrator. She’s shown up in Sex, Lies, and Unfortunately No Videotape; Coming, Going, and Swirling the Drain; and Gotta Love That Unwellness Love. This time, she’s all on her own, and rambling even more than usual. Somebody please put a muzzle on her?!
A/N #2: This is not what I intended to write this week. I planned to finish (or at the very least continue) Terry Gilliam’s Got Nothin’ On Me, but my laptop decided to enter its death throes and I was unable to put in the time it would have taken to write that. But from my techno-woes came this voice of reason *smirk*.
A/N #3: Title, cut tag text, and opening line are a quote from Supernatural, spoken by the character Dean Winchester. That’s about the closest this gets to fannish.
Summary: An immortal meddler ponders the human condition… sort of. And has some advice for us all… sort of.

~*~*~


Demons I get. People are crazy.

Some totally hotass cutie-patootie said that once, and the boy was right. Not too shabby for a human. Most of the time, I just don’t get you human types. Not sure evolution went quite the way it was supposed to with you guys. I mean, you think way too much about stuff that doesn’t mean a damn thing, and don’t spend nearly enough time on what’s really important.

Kind of a… ‘OCD meets ADHD’ kinda thing.

Don’t look at me like that… well, unless you like the idea of boils in quote sensitive end quote places and spending the rest of your days mooning over complete losers, that is. ‘Cause I’ll do it. Don’t think I won’t. Or can’t. I can make your pitifully short life an exercise in misery… in a heartbeat.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, the Obsessive-Deficit thingamajig. You’re all so set in your little ways. Gotta get that caffeine jolt first thing to get goin’ in the mornin’. Can’t do anything or go anywhere without your cell phone/computer/mp3 player/camera/insert-random-ass-techno-junk here. Mainline half-caff vanilla double lattes all day long, then need a pill or booze or who knows what to get to sleep at night. All those ruts you don’t even see that you’re in.

And what happens when the barista slips you decaf? Or the Blue Screen of Death takes over your laptop? Or the once-a-week, every week shtupping of the wife or hubby becomes too much of a fuckin’ chore to even bother with? You lose it. Don’t know how to go with the flow. Fly off in all directions like those whaddyacall’ems… the ummm… you know… those obnoxious, bouncy balls that uhhh… fly off in all directions and bounce off just as far as they went in the first place.

Don’t act like I’m not making any sense. You know exactly what I’m talkin’ about. You all do it. And it. Is. Fucking. Boring. Not to mention, means I actually have to… *mumble-grumble*… work from time to time.

So let me lay it out for you morons, okay?

The internet is for porn. Anybody who tells you different is probably selling ED pills or penis enhancers.

Fucking is good. No. I take that back. Fucking is fucking awesome. You should do more of that. Get on that. Seriously. You need to get some, get laid, get off al-fuckin’-ready.

True love is the best high and the biggest lie in the world. Enjoy it while it lasts, but don’t look too close, ‘kay? ‘Cause if you’re stupid about it, I’m not going to help you find Mr. Right. Or Ms., if that’s more your thing.

But a true fuck is even better, and way more honest. Why are you still here? Didn’t you hear me tell you to go fuck somebody?

Eat when you’re hungry. Pretty much the entire animal kingdom can figure this one out, but you humans flip-flop between being pigs and starving yourselves. Like I said, y’all are like some kind of evolutionary wrong turn sometimes.

Drink when you’re thirsty. Water’s good. Booze is good. Y’all are funny when you’re drunk off your collective asses. And I always enjoy a good laugh. Besides, you’re more likely to get around to that whole fucking thing if you got a buzz goin’.

Sleep whenever you can. ‘Cause you’re making me tired. All that running around, getting a whole hell of a lot of nothin’ done, and taking twice as long to do it. Take a damn nap already!

You know… that’s not a half-bad idea. I could stand to catch a little shut-eye. Got an apoca- uhh… an appointment, that’s it. Got an appointment in a few years – just a blink to us immortal types, a few years is – and I should probably rest up. Want to be all fresh and rarin’ to go.

In the meantime… eat, drink, and fuck like bunnies, ya hear?

Oh god, I hope this is The End!