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May. 1st, 2007 08:36 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
dedra.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
tamingthemuseTitle: Normal
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (GASP!)
Pairing: none
Rating: PG for some bad words
Summary: Buffy's musings during the episode 'Normal Again'.
Author's note: Don't know where the hell this came from...I just sat down and it poured through my fingertips...like some of the others have. ♥
Normal. I’ll never be normal, not with the burden that was put on me by some unnamed twist of fate. I’ll never be able to ignore the demons around me or the vampires that suck the life out of strangers, never be able to rest easy while I’m out of my house or in public. Always on the lookout for the supernatural just by the nature of my calling.
I don’t want this. I’ve never wanted it, not at all. From the first minute that Merrick showed up at my school to the last time that I saw Giles, I have always thought of this as a burden, a curse, something that was forced on me, not something of choice. I never had a choice. It was my calling.
My friends…well, they had a choice. They chose to stand by me and learn too much to be comfortable in their little houses. They saw the evil that dwells in the dark and it changed them. Every unexplained dog attack or strange slime gets picked over like a crime scene by the police labs, dissected and verified and inspected for clues. Like they’re the ones that have to do the dirty work—no, that’s my part of the deal. They do the brainwork and leave me to the dusting or the slaying, whatever you want to call it. They don’t think that I have a brain anymore. Don’t believe that I can think on my own anymore.
Maybe that’s why I’m here. Maybe that’s why I woke up in a blue room with leather restraints on my wrists and ankles and screaming bloody murder. My distinct lack of a brain, for better or worse. I can’t even think for myself anymore, not since they brought me back. They wanted to run my life--well, they can have it.
They wouldn’t let me be happy. I was happy with Spike, I really was. He understood the darkness inside, the things that I was too afraid of showing anyone else. He knew how much slaying turned me on and was never afraid of it, never felt like he had to talk me to death off that adrenaline high. No, he would fuck me off it instead, something that we both enjoyed. At least, until it became perfectly clear to me that my choices weren’t my choices anymore.
Why do the heroes always have to choose? Don’t we deserve to find peace and happiness wherever it comes from? I mean, for God’s sake, it isn’t like Spike’s done anything to hurt anyone in a long time. He looked after Dawnie all summer long until I was forced back here, didn’t he? He looked after them too, although it would rupture something in them to admit it. Tara admitted it, though. Tara admitted it freely when we talked that one time.
I almost let them make me believe that I should be alone and lonely. Almost. They were pretty convincing in their arguments about Spike and his evil ways and the whole bitey thing. What they didn’t expect was needing his help to cure whatever this is that’s making me drift back and forth between two worlds, two timelines that could be real. One where I’m the slayer and they are still my friends and one where they’re all made up inside my head.
Doctors call it schizophrenic ideations. That’s what I heard him tell my parents yesterday. My mind splintered into two parts because of the pressures of being a teenager and created a fantastic world where I was a heroine, a slayer, somebody important with a whole fantasy life built around that world.
Really, how dumb is that? If it were a fantasy, would I have a little sister like Dawn, always getting into trouble and needing saved? Or a friend like Xander who always seems to choose his battles with his dick and not with his head? Or a crazy bitch like Willow who is addicted to magic and thinks that a spell could solve everything?
Would I create a world where my father cheats on my mother and leaves her, then we move to a shithole town where there’s nothing but strange? How about a world where my mother dies and I’m left with nothing but bills, money problems, my sister and no job?
If anything, life in the asylum seems more like the fantasy world to me. No responsibilities, no problems, no worries. Take the pills they hand you and drift off into la-la land on a pink cloud of bliss. Eat when they tell you, sleep when they tell you, talk to the nice doctor while you’re tied down in your personal rubber room.
No, it’s high time I got back to the real world. My world. Xander and Anya’s wedding is coming up, Willow has made real progress staying off the magic and…and somehow, I don’t know how, I need to make things right with Spike. I didn’t know how much it meant until now, until I actually heard the words from the doctor about the ‘bad relationship’ that I’d evidently spilled my guts about.
I…I care about him. I don’t know if it’s love. I don’t know if I can love. I loved once, loved the whole world enough to die for them and what did it get me? A four-month vacation in heaven and a few words later, poof—back to the old grindstone. I thought I loved Angel—look where that got me. I thought that I loved Riley too, but he was real quick to throw that baby out with the bathwater.
Love. The First Slayer told me that it was my greatest gift and that it burned inside me. I don’t know if what I feel for Spike is love, but I do know that I treated him like gravedirt and that was all kinds of wrong. I should have let him explain, should have done things differently but again, I listened to my friends and not what my heart was telling me.
Time to leave. Take one last look at Mom and Dad, together again. Mom, I love you. I miss you, more than you’ll ever know. I miss your cocoa, your talks, your concern and your ear. I miss your shoulder and your strength. I miss everything about you. I love you.
I’m almost sorry to leave. It was almost like being in heaven again.
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (GASP!)
Pairing: none
Rating: PG for some bad words
Summary: Buffy's musings during the episode 'Normal Again'.
Author's note: Don't know where the hell this came from...I just sat down and it poured through my fingertips...like some of the others have. ♥
Normal. I’ll never be normal, not with the burden that was put on me by some unnamed twist of fate. I’ll never be able to ignore the demons around me or the vampires that suck the life out of strangers, never be able to rest easy while I’m out of my house or in public. Always on the lookout for the supernatural just by the nature of my calling.
I don’t want this. I’ve never wanted it, not at all. From the first minute that Merrick showed up at my school to the last time that I saw Giles, I have always thought of this as a burden, a curse, something that was forced on me, not something of choice. I never had a choice. It was my calling.
My friends…well, they had a choice. They chose to stand by me and learn too much to be comfortable in their little houses. They saw the evil that dwells in the dark and it changed them. Every unexplained dog attack or strange slime gets picked over like a crime scene by the police labs, dissected and verified and inspected for clues. Like they’re the ones that have to do the dirty work—no, that’s my part of the deal. They do the brainwork and leave me to the dusting or the slaying, whatever you want to call it. They don’t think that I have a brain anymore. Don’t believe that I can think on my own anymore.
Maybe that’s why I’m here. Maybe that’s why I woke up in a blue room with leather restraints on my wrists and ankles and screaming bloody murder. My distinct lack of a brain, for better or worse. I can’t even think for myself anymore, not since they brought me back. They wanted to run my life--well, they can have it.
They wouldn’t let me be happy. I was happy with Spike, I really was. He understood the darkness inside, the things that I was too afraid of showing anyone else. He knew how much slaying turned me on and was never afraid of it, never felt like he had to talk me to death off that adrenaline high. No, he would fuck me off it instead, something that we both enjoyed. At least, until it became perfectly clear to me that my choices weren’t my choices anymore.
Why do the heroes always have to choose? Don’t we deserve to find peace and happiness wherever it comes from? I mean, for God’s sake, it isn’t like Spike’s done anything to hurt anyone in a long time. He looked after Dawnie all summer long until I was forced back here, didn’t he? He looked after them too, although it would rupture something in them to admit it. Tara admitted it, though. Tara admitted it freely when we talked that one time.
I almost let them make me believe that I should be alone and lonely. Almost. They were pretty convincing in their arguments about Spike and his evil ways and the whole bitey thing. What they didn’t expect was needing his help to cure whatever this is that’s making me drift back and forth between two worlds, two timelines that could be real. One where I’m the slayer and they are still my friends and one where they’re all made up inside my head.
Doctors call it schizophrenic ideations. That’s what I heard him tell my parents yesterday. My mind splintered into two parts because of the pressures of being a teenager and created a fantastic world where I was a heroine, a slayer, somebody important with a whole fantasy life built around that world.
Really, how dumb is that? If it were a fantasy, would I have a little sister like Dawn, always getting into trouble and needing saved? Or a friend like Xander who always seems to choose his battles with his dick and not with his head? Or a crazy bitch like Willow who is addicted to magic and thinks that a spell could solve everything?
Would I create a world where my father cheats on my mother and leaves her, then we move to a shithole town where there’s nothing but strange? How about a world where my mother dies and I’m left with nothing but bills, money problems, my sister and no job?
If anything, life in the asylum seems more like the fantasy world to me. No responsibilities, no problems, no worries. Take the pills they hand you and drift off into la-la land on a pink cloud of bliss. Eat when they tell you, sleep when they tell you, talk to the nice doctor while you’re tied down in your personal rubber room.
No, it’s high time I got back to the real world. My world. Xander and Anya’s wedding is coming up, Willow has made real progress staying off the magic and…and somehow, I don’t know how, I need to make things right with Spike. I didn’t know how much it meant until now, until I actually heard the words from the doctor about the ‘bad relationship’ that I’d evidently spilled my guts about.
I…I care about him. I don’t know if it’s love. I don’t know if I can love. I loved once, loved the whole world enough to die for them and what did it get me? A four-month vacation in heaven and a few words later, poof—back to the old grindstone. I thought I loved Angel—look where that got me. I thought that I loved Riley too, but he was real quick to throw that baby out with the bathwater.
Love. The First Slayer told me that it was my greatest gift and that it burned inside me. I don’t know if what I feel for Spike is love, but I do know that I treated him like gravedirt and that was all kinds of wrong. I should have let him explain, should have done things differently but again, I listened to my friends and not what my heart was telling me.
Time to leave. Take one last look at Mom and Dad, together again. Mom, I love you. I miss you, more than you’ll ever know. I miss your cocoa, your talks, your concern and your ear. I miss your shoulder and your strength. I miss everything about you. I love you.
I’m almost sorry to leave. It was almost like being in heaven again.
no subject
Date: 2007-05-02 01:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-02 01:33 pm (UTC)Thanks! ♥
no subject
Date: 2007-05-02 03:42 pm (UTC)I think you captured her 'voice' beautifully, and I thoroughly enjoyed her ratiocination.
The comments about getting off on slaying make a lot of sense, and I'm sure any number of policemen and special forces soldiers feel very much the same way. That 'taint' changes them. A 'normal' relationship won't ever again quite suit
no subject
Date: 2007-05-02 08:12 pm (UTC)♥
no subject
Date: 2007-05-02 03:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-02 08:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-02 11:15 pm (UTC)~Nebula
no subject
Date: 2007-05-03 09:32 pm (UTC)*hearts you madly*
no subject
Date: 2007-05-05 09:38 am (UTC)Nicely done, love
no subject
Date: 2007-05-05 06:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-06 10:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-06 05:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-06 03:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-06 05:35 pm (UTC)Thanks! ♥