Prompt 55--Hello Darkness
Aug. 11th, 2007 10:58 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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tamingthemuseTitle: My Old Friend, Well Met
Fandom/Pairing: None
Rating: M for content
Warnings: Musings and veiled descriptions of suicide.
Summary: The last great adventure is death. For some, it is their only escape.
My Old Friend, Well Met
There you are, waiting for me as if I had never missed our appointment before. You stand there like a statue, stony and silent, pretending that you weren’t expecting me even now as I try my best to creep to you through the thorny protrusions of emotions and lost chances. They scrape at my raw skin and stab at my heart with their sharp edges and sharper points, opening more wounds in my soul than I had before I ever embarked on this adventure, the last great one if the Greeks are to be believed.
This isn’t the first time that I’ve sought your presence. I’ve tried and tried many times, my efforts always thwarted by others who were ‘looking out for my best interests’. Funny how my best interests seemed to actually be theirs instead, isn’t it? It was their selfishness, their inability to let go, their unstable minds that made it seem so horrible that I look for the only peace that I could imagine finding. It was because they tried so hard to hold me fast that I kept on striving for their idea of perfection, their model of what I should be instead of what I knew I was. A failure. An abysmal example of a human being.
So instead of listening to what they all say—family, doctors, friends, loved ones—I seek your opinion. Although I know what it is, I beg for it anyway, the knowledge safe in my heart that you will provide it freely, proclaim it from the mountaintop and shout it to the heavens. Even if it is in your own quiet way, you will. It is your right.
This time, however, I have set the stage with the proper care. They do not suspect that I will be meeting you tonight under these circumstances. They think that I am home studying; how wrong they all are.
The candles are lit and the room smells of lilacs and roses, my favorite scents in the world. I have a bottle of cognac breathing on the dresser in front of the mirror, waiting for me as I finish lining up the favors for the party. Blue, red, yellow, a veritable rainbow of tiny treats for the only guest—myself. When they are perfectly aligned and ready, I will begin to celebrate my life.
I have already written the letters and mailed them just this evening, after the post office had closed for the night. They won’t go out to their recipients until morning and by then we will have already departed for parts unknown. Perhaps it is selfish of me to run away from them; for my part, it was selfish of them to keep me against my will.
I am ready.
The cognac sparkles in the candlelight in the crystal glass with a thousand diamond jewels of topaz light that I find amazingly beautiful in a frightening way. I swirl it in the glass and inhale the heady fragrance of liquor and woody scents before I sip it delicately.
The first of the pills goes into my mouth with ease and I feel liberated.
As I swallow each Valium, carefully concealed from my family and friends on their daily searches of my home, I think about the darkness that lies within us all. There is a mystical place inside each of us that I believe seeks out death; while some are more passive, choosing drugs, alcohol, adrenaline, food, or other more benign methods for their demise, there are others such as I that search for more direct and effective methods. I’ve tried pills before, but a handful of aspirin only landed me in the hospital and Tylenol PM only made me sleepy.
Perhaps that was part of the reason that I decided to go to Pharmacist College—so I could find the perfect combination of medication to peacefully and finally end my life.
They have tried to tell me that I’m crazy and self-destructive. I don’t believe that either one of those things are true. I don’t believe that I fit in this world so I would rather take myself out of it and send my spirit or soul or spark into the ether where I might find a better fit for myself. Or perhaps I will just die, eternally lost into the darkness that I desire more than anything.
Some of the pills dissolve faster than others and I taste bitterness in my mouth that echoes the bitterness inside me. I’ve tried to fit in, really I have. I’ve played their games until I can’t stand it any longer. I’ve gone to school until I feel I will explode if I hear one more lecture or take one more multiple-choice quiz. I’ve dated many women, only two of which I felt any connection and most of that was due to their fascination with death that rivaled my own. I’ve had sex, I’ve masturbated, and I’ve played sports and read books and seen movies. There is nothing, nothing in this life that I wish to see or do.
The red capsules of Seconal tease me with their glistening covers and I sweep up a handful of them, impatient to be on with it instead of prolonging the agony that I am.
I’m relaxed and focused when I pick up the yellow Nembutal capsules off the dresser and swallow them in pairs. They are slick with my saliva and the cognac does a beautiful job washing them down.
I chose the combination from varied toxicology reports that I had come across in my reading for school. They said the Nembutals would put me to sleep and the Seconals would be a second-line hypnotic, inducing a deeper sleep that would lead to respiratory depression. The Valium will relax me and keep me from having the nausea and abdominal cramping that the other two might induce.
All in all, I couldn’t pick a better combination.
I’m dressed and ready, so I lay down on my bed with my favorite things around me. There is a picture of my dog, dead fourteen years now, lying next to me on the other pillow. There is music playing in the CD player on repeat; I believe that right now it is Brahm’s Lullaby, soon to be followed my Moonlight Sonata.
I am yawning widely and ready to go now. Turn on my side, I reach for you and feel your cool embrace as it takes me deeper into the night and the ever-present dark.
Darkness, my old friend. Death, my love, my deepest desire. Hello.
I greet you with the smile of a long-lost brother in arms as my breathing begins to slow. I’m ready now. Good night.
Fandom/Pairing: None
Rating: M for content
Warnings: Musings and veiled descriptions of suicide.
Summary: The last great adventure is death. For some, it is their only escape.
My Old Friend, Well Met
There you are, waiting for me as if I had never missed our appointment before. You stand there like a statue, stony and silent, pretending that you weren’t expecting me even now as I try my best to creep to you through the thorny protrusions of emotions and lost chances. They scrape at my raw skin and stab at my heart with their sharp edges and sharper points, opening more wounds in my soul than I had before I ever embarked on this adventure, the last great one if the Greeks are to be believed.
This isn’t the first time that I’ve sought your presence. I’ve tried and tried many times, my efforts always thwarted by others who were ‘looking out for my best interests’. Funny how my best interests seemed to actually be theirs instead, isn’t it? It was their selfishness, their inability to let go, their unstable minds that made it seem so horrible that I look for the only peace that I could imagine finding. It was because they tried so hard to hold me fast that I kept on striving for their idea of perfection, their model of what I should be instead of what I knew I was. A failure. An abysmal example of a human being.
So instead of listening to what they all say—family, doctors, friends, loved ones—I seek your opinion. Although I know what it is, I beg for it anyway, the knowledge safe in my heart that you will provide it freely, proclaim it from the mountaintop and shout it to the heavens. Even if it is in your own quiet way, you will. It is your right.
This time, however, I have set the stage with the proper care. They do not suspect that I will be meeting you tonight under these circumstances. They think that I am home studying; how wrong they all are.
The candles are lit and the room smells of lilacs and roses, my favorite scents in the world. I have a bottle of cognac breathing on the dresser in front of the mirror, waiting for me as I finish lining up the favors for the party. Blue, red, yellow, a veritable rainbow of tiny treats for the only guest—myself. When they are perfectly aligned and ready, I will begin to celebrate my life.
I have already written the letters and mailed them just this evening, after the post office had closed for the night. They won’t go out to their recipients until morning and by then we will have already departed for parts unknown. Perhaps it is selfish of me to run away from them; for my part, it was selfish of them to keep me against my will.
I am ready.
The cognac sparkles in the candlelight in the crystal glass with a thousand diamond jewels of topaz light that I find amazingly beautiful in a frightening way. I swirl it in the glass and inhale the heady fragrance of liquor and woody scents before I sip it delicately.
The first of the pills goes into my mouth with ease and I feel liberated.
As I swallow each Valium, carefully concealed from my family and friends on their daily searches of my home, I think about the darkness that lies within us all. There is a mystical place inside each of us that I believe seeks out death; while some are more passive, choosing drugs, alcohol, adrenaline, food, or other more benign methods for their demise, there are others such as I that search for more direct and effective methods. I’ve tried pills before, but a handful of aspirin only landed me in the hospital and Tylenol PM only made me sleepy.
Perhaps that was part of the reason that I decided to go to Pharmacist College—so I could find the perfect combination of medication to peacefully and finally end my life.
They have tried to tell me that I’m crazy and self-destructive. I don’t believe that either one of those things are true. I don’t believe that I fit in this world so I would rather take myself out of it and send my spirit or soul or spark into the ether where I might find a better fit for myself. Or perhaps I will just die, eternally lost into the darkness that I desire more than anything.
Some of the pills dissolve faster than others and I taste bitterness in my mouth that echoes the bitterness inside me. I’ve tried to fit in, really I have. I’ve played their games until I can’t stand it any longer. I’ve gone to school until I feel I will explode if I hear one more lecture or take one more multiple-choice quiz. I’ve dated many women, only two of which I felt any connection and most of that was due to their fascination with death that rivaled my own. I’ve had sex, I’ve masturbated, and I’ve played sports and read books and seen movies. There is nothing, nothing in this life that I wish to see or do.
The red capsules of Seconal tease me with their glistening covers and I sweep up a handful of them, impatient to be on with it instead of prolonging the agony that I am.
I’m relaxed and focused when I pick up the yellow Nembutal capsules off the dresser and swallow them in pairs. They are slick with my saliva and the cognac does a beautiful job washing them down.
I chose the combination from varied toxicology reports that I had come across in my reading for school. They said the Nembutals would put me to sleep and the Seconals would be a second-line hypnotic, inducing a deeper sleep that would lead to respiratory depression. The Valium will relax me and keep me from having the nausea and abdominal cramping that the other two might induce.
All in all, I couldn’t pick a better combination.
I’m dressed and ready, so I lay down on my bed with my favorite things around me. There is a picture of my dog, dead fourteen years now, lying next to me on the other pillow. There is music playing in the CD player on repeat; I believe that right now it is Brahm’s Lullaby, soon to be followed my Moonlight Sonata.
I am yawning widely and ready to go now. Turn on my side, I reach for you and feel your cool embrace as it takes me deeper into the night and the ever-present dark.
Darkness, my old friend. Death, my love, my deepest desire. Hello.
I greet you with the smile of a long-lost brother in arms as my breathing begins to slow. I’m ready now. Good night.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-12 01:34 pm (UTC)Wow. I love this.
*hugs*
~Nebula
no subject
Date: 2007-08-13 08:35 am (UTC)