62 - solitary confinement - What You Wanted - Zippit - RENT

[zippitgood.livejournal.com]

Title: What You Wanted
Author: Zippit
Fandom: RENT
Series: None
Character(s): Mark Cohen, mentions of others
Prompt: #62 - solitary confinement (7.7)
Rating: PG
Word Count: 526
Written For: tamingthemuse
Completed: September 29, 2007
Disclaimer: Rent and its characters are owned by Jonathan Larson and company. I'm only borrowing them. They're not mine. I mean no disrespect.
Author’s Note: Muses... you gotta love 'em. They at least are always there to provide distraction.
Summary: It's just what you wanted....


What You Wanted

Solitary confinement. Watching the world pass you by from behind the safety of a camera lens. Letting the world slide by without touching you, buried among your scripts and your film. Watch as life passes you by.

It’s the slow slipping of sound coming less and less from your lips. You’re the one always taking care of everyone else, there for them when it’s needed. You’re there, you’re always there. Pushed to the side when things happen, by your own design, and because you don’t matter enough in the end.

You watch as it happens again and again. First, Benny when he left for the Westport Greys. You know you shouldn’t have taken it as a personal affront as if you weren’t a good enough friend, but that’s what it ended up as anyway. Dreams and hopes and your steady presence weren’t enough to keep him around.

Then there was Roger. Magnificent, rock star Roger. Swept away under the onslaught of Midwest thunderstorm April into drugs and AIDS. Nothing you could do but get him through the withdrawal and poke at him to get out. Until Mimi who dragged him out with nothing but her words and presence.

You forget if Collins left before or after Roger’s withdrawal. Time’s blurred. The excuse was money and the need to see more of the world. But it was just another one slipping through your fingers. Another friend gone and you know he’ll come back, but it hurt nevertheless.

Maureen. Wildfire Maureen. You weren’t enough. You weren’t passionate enough, you just weren’t enough. You watch her fall into the arms of passionate, blazing Joanne and it’s a wonder you ever even lasted as long as you did.

Then there was Angel, sweet Angel. Nothing but her namesake made flesh. Hope and joy sprung eternal from her no matter whatever happened. Stripped from you because of the disease eating up the insides of most of your friends. Helpless to do anything about it but record the passion around you while it lasted.

But that’s the story of your life. Jewish boy from Scarsdale who only wanted to be accepted for who he was and not for who he’s supposed to be so you crafted the perfect role for yourself. The role you figured would give you the acceptance you wanted. Not knowing how much it would hurt in the end when all you have left are the films and the ghost of people surrounding you.

You’re alone.

Alone in the big, empty loft you can barely afford to pay for. Nothing but silence for company. Angel, Mimi, Collins, Roger, Maureen, Joanne, and Benny. They all left in their own ways. Left their mark on you and then left you. Keeper of the memories. Keeper of lives within the metal canisters of your film. Alone, so utterly alone.

You don’t even have a soul left to hurt. You sold it when you went back to Lexie and asked for your job back. You needed the money and you no longer had anyone around to remind you of what you’d given up.

Just you and your camera. Just the way you wanted.

Comments

[smwright.livejournal.com]

Keeper of the memories. What a wonderful line here, almost buried away at the end. It sneaks up on you.

This reads not quite like an extended and lyrical dramatis personae, only better. It's an exposition but a condemnation at the same time. Really well done.

[zippitgood.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

I love Mark. He's so full of layers.

[lyddieonwed.livejournal.com]

This was a beautiful view into Mark. I loved your descriptions of the characters through his eyes and how now matter how much he loved them he always knew they would go away. This was very poignant.

[zippitgood.livejournal.com]

*snugs Mark*

Poor boy. He's so lonely even surrounded by people he loves.

Thank you.