Prompt #137 - Bleach - The Cleansing - fizzerbass - original

[fizzerbass.livejournal.com]

Title: The Cleansing
Prompt: #137 - Bleach
Fandom: None
Warnings: ?  Pointless meanderings, maybe.
Rating: G
Summary:  He wants it all to end.
Notes:  So, this is a first for me.  Not relying on a fandom to fuel a story, that is.  Can I ask you a question/favor?  Does the ambiguous-ness of this work, or does it need *details*?   Concrit is most sincerely welcomed.  :)

Where were the words?  Where were the little, tiny tidbits of type which would free his brain and unloose the feelings festering inside?  He clamps his laptop closed in frustration, pushing away from the table to limp over to the window.  Damn Janine and her stupid therapeutic writing.

 

God, he hated feeling this way.  Hated the way the bitter aftertaste of anger burned his throat and coated his stomach in acid.  Too many days had started with this, and too many nights had ended with his avowal to never feel this way again.  Such is the foolish wish of a dying man.

 

For dying he was.  Slowly, surely, inevitably dying.  The doctors said weeks, months if he was lucky and didn’t pick up the odd virus or bacteria.  He said days, maybe weeks if he was cursed to endure the pain of dying the way he’s been forced to endure the pain of living these last six months.

 

Had it only been six months? 

 

He’d taken to spending his afternoons in the Laundromat, watching the mothers doing their wash as their children ran helter-skelter through the maze of machines.  There was something oddly soothing about the hum of the dryers, interrupted occasionally by the clunk of an errant sneaker or the scritch-scratching of a pocketful of change set loose during the spin cycle.  He was careful not to get too close and careful not to start conversations.  Conversations led to questions, and questions were a luxury he didn’t have time for, especially questions for which he couldn’t face finding the answers.  He wanted to remain anonymous.  Anonymous and invisible, taking up space in the physical world, but not setting off any smoke detectors in the emotional one…staying off the radar of anyone inclined to offer comfort or condolences.

 

His favorite ‘Mat was the one on Beech and Lexington.  Close to his apartment and half-way to the grocery store.  He used it’s location as a convenient resting spot, telling himself he was only stopping to catch his breath and gear up for the second leg of his food-finding mission.  Never mind the fact he had enough food in the ‘fridge to feed an army, getting out of the cramped confines of his one-bedroom was a daily necessity born of the constant need for noise.  For something, anything, to drown out the voices in his head, the one’s telling him it wasn’t his fault, for he surely knew it most certainly was.

 

Has it been six months already?

 

He likes to sit by the big, commercial-sized washing machines, amazed by the things people toss inside their gaping holes.  Huge comforters, slip cushions to what had to be amazingly ugly, antiquated furniture, even a set of all-season radials one time.  He’s jealous almost of these people, of their undying belief and conviction that whatever they throw into these magic machines will come out shiny, new and clean.   A dollar fifty, a fistful of detergent and presto-chango!  A new lease on life.

 

On the good days, he smiles at their innocence, secretly cheering them on in their quest to freshen their lives and erase the dirt of daily living.  On the bad days, which are rapidly becoming too numerous to count, he sneers at their sheer stupidity.  Knowing first-hand even industrial-strength bleach can’t erase blood from a soul stained by a life lived in Hell.

Comments

[blacknblue2.livejournal.com]

I'm a little torn, actually. I'm left wanting more information, but I also really like the ambiguity. Overall, I would say it depends on if there will be more to this story. If so, then ambiguity is just fine, otherwise - I want to know more, darn it! That said, I think it really depends on if you want to drive your readers crazy or not. Personally, I like torturing readers, so I would just let them wonder.

Also, I really liked this story, overall. I think it's interesting, and realistic, and not super action-packed, and much better for it.

[fizzerbass.livejournal.com]

After not reading this piece for a few days, I think I'm with you. This is fine if it's acting as the intro to another chapter full of details, but as a stand-alone, it needs some punch. (Unless, like you, I feel the need to do some torturing. *smile*)

Thanks so much for the concrit. I really appreciate it and I'm glad you liked this snippet.